Ugh. It’s me again. Venting. Again. I’m so tired (literally and figuratively) of crazy blood sugars! Last week Angelina started experiencing incredibly stubborn blood sugars between 11p-3a ish. I thought I knew the culprit so I just treated the lows and tried reduced temp basal rates. Then Monday she got sick and was running higher levels all day long. The outside culprit that I had blamed for the nighttime lows was no longer present so I was confused after a day spent battling numbers in the 300’s, that at night she was still dipping down drastically between 11p-3a and needing low treatment and reduced temp basals. But, come 3a the illness/stress hormones seemed to kick back in and if I didn’t start her back on increased temp basal for that she would wake up very high in the morning. So, needless to say I haven’t been sleeping very well lately. We did have 1 night where I didn’t have to reduce her basal and she ended up perfectly in range and I thought “Yay! The lows are over!” Then last night it happened again and BAD. Reduced basal drastically, especially considering how much extra basal she’s still getting during the day, plus gave multiple low treatments which seemed to move her barely at all.
So, tonight when she was low at bedtime (earlier than usual) I went ahead and reduced her basal rates for a few hours hoping that it would prevent those lows we’ve been seeing a little later on. She also had a single juice box at 10pm for a 63 bg. The juice only brought her up about 25 pts after 30 minutes, which is not as much as I’d like, but I figured I would wait and see what reduced basal would do. Well… here I am, 1:40am and her BG is 218!!! I stopped reduced temp basal around midnight when she hit 165 thinking that the “normal” downward spiral we see about that time would level her off or possible drop her slightly. Nope. Still going up. I have no idea what is happening. I am tired of this. I HATE DIABETES RIGHT NOW!
And saying that, if it’s not clear, you can envision the scene in the Jim Carrey version of The Grinch where he is going through the phone book saying “Hate, hate, hate, LOATHEEE ENTIRELY…” that is me right now, and diabetes is every entry in the phone book! I am normally a pretty positive person when it comes to diabetes care and a wise D-Mom told me early on “Correct and move on” and I try to live by that as much as I can. Because if you don’t just correct what’s happening right then, and move on, diabetes will take over your life in a bad way. But maybe it’s because it’s late and I’m tired, but know that I still have work to do before I can rest, and even then I will still probably be up in 2 hours doing more diabetes work. Maybe I am just feeling sorry for myself right now. Whatever the reason, I know these feelings will pass. I know that soon, maybe not tomorrow, or the next day, but soon, things will go back to “normal” and diabetes will return to being the passenger in the back seat, rather than the driver of our lives, but tonight is not that night. And tonight I am angry and sad and feeling burnt out. For myself and for Angelina. I’m angry for the times like this past week, where diabetes has seemingly taken over everything. I’m beyond tired. I’m exhausted, mentally and physically. I didn’t really realize it until just now.
I just wish, more than anything, that this monster would leave my child’s body and we could be free of it, even for a day. Even an hour. Because even on her best days, it’s still there, lurking in the shadows, waiting for one small misstep. An incorrectly counted meal or snack. An incorrectly calculated dose of insulin. A spontaneous stop at the park for half an hour. All of it, any of it, can cause our carefully balanced house of cards to come tumbling down. We must always plan for the unplanned. Expect the unexpected. Constantly be on our toes and monitoring blood sugar levels. Making sure that I’m never without a quick source of glucose at any given time, for any given activity, even a quick trip to the grocery store. Especially for a quick trip to the grocery store.
Constantly trying to remember what day it is today and what day it was when we last changed her infusion set or her sensor. Or at least trying to remember to set the reminder that will remind me when it’s time to change these things. This afternoon she asked for a glass of milk. As she was bolusing she said “Oh, I have a low reservoir”. There were 0.75 units of insulin left in her pump. And I sat there thinking hard, trying to remember what day it was and when we last changed her site. Fortunately it was Monday, she just went through her insulin faster than usual because of being sick and needing extra insulin all around.
Two hours now since I increased her basal insulin. Blood sugar has not gone down, but continues to steadily climb upward. 235 currently. I guess that means that the lows aren’t coming tonight. Time to correct and move on. To sleep.