Boogey Man

This post is only slightly about diabetes and a lot about mental health and struggle. I will probably take this down later because this is so incredibly personal and I’m probably doing everything wrong posting it at all, but I just need to put it out there in the universe, even if for just a day or two. If you’re reading this (I did not share on any social media to promote this) please, please… just hug your kids a little extra today. I’m so grateful for so many things in my life as despite all of the struggle we’re going through we’re still incredibly fortunate in so many other ways. 

I knew having an adolescent was going to be hard, but I am really feeling it tonight. This may not be the place to spill, but I know everyone here will at least understand the struggle of it all. Angelina is coming up on their 3rd diaversay the end of March and for awhile there T1D was the biggest, baddest monster we had ever dealt with and it took a lot out of every person in our family. I know everyone here especially can relate to that at one point or another. And then a year and a half ago Angelina was diagnosed with depression and a year ago started on medication for that. Three months later they were hospitalized after I discovered them making a suicide pact with an online friend. That was a nightmare alone, but further complicated by diabetes and we were almost unable to get the mental help they needed to keep them safe because no one wanted to take a kid with type 1 because they didn’t know how to handle it. Let’s not talk about how scary it is to have a suicidal 11 year old who carries around a potentially lethal dose of insulin on their body that you can’t just take away without putting them in equal or more danger because they need that insulin to live. And putting them back on painful shots only make the depression worse.
Fast forward a few months and Angelina was unofficially diagnosed with bipolar disorder after anti-depressants caused manic/psychotic symptoms so were switched to a different class of medication. The problem here is most medications to treat bipolar cause insulin resistance and the majority of them (at least that are also approved for use in kids) are linked to CAUSING Type 2 in people who aren’t already diabetic. But, totally wrecking any semblance of normalcy with blood sugar is the best option to keep my 12 year old from cutting themself or wanting to die. Diabetes is no longer the biggest, baddest monster. Today we added a SECOND medication to treat the bipolar because the first one just wasn’t doing the trick on it’s own anymore.
Meanwhile, we have the endo in 2 weeks and for the first time in 3 years I am actually AFRAID to go. One, because Angelina’s diabetes care has taken a major backseat the past 9 months and their a1c has slowly been creeping up, although November’s results were still under the ADA’s goal of 7.5%. But, Angelina has refused to wear the Dexcom since Christmas and I’m lucky if I get them to check blood sugar 4 times a day, most of those readings are high, but when they’re not… they’re really not. ANd I know how to handle the diabetes, but I don’t know how to handle balancing the diabetes with every other thing that is going on with my kid.  I just want diabetes to be the big bad again, it was a cakewalk compared to dealing with this.

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